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Things That Didn’t Need To Be Turned Green for St. Patrick’s Day

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There’s not a great deal of tradition that goes into St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not even really a day dedicated to Irish culture at all, not that any of us could name a single Irish tradition outside of drinking anyway. So what do we do for St. Patty’s day? Well, we drink. And then we drink some more. And then maybe we eat some nachos. And then, inevitably, we color everything around us green. Everything. Nothing is safe from the permanent staining that comes from honoring the Emerald Isle. Not our beers, not our milkshakes, and not our clothes. This is a day when you’re pinched — physically assaulted if you want to get technical — for not wearing the color green. And yeah, some of that stuff is fine if it’s green. Milkshakes, beers, socks, ties — turn it green. That’s fine. You know what we could probably do without turning green? Pretty much everything else.


Your dog

Image via Wikimedia Commons

Do you think this dog wants to be green? Even if he does pull off the whole Incredible Hulk look well, do you think this good boy will enjoy the highly necessary bath that comes after this? Do you think this good boy got to get drunk at all during this degrading day? Factor in those jean shorts he’s wearing, and this whole picture becomes borderline abusive.


Your child…and your beard?

Image via Barbara Corbellini Duarte/ SouthFlorida.com

This one’s kind of a double whammy, because as frowned-upon as it is (or should be) to turn your hipster hair and somehow even hipper beard into vomit-colored cotton candy. It should be even more frowned-upon to let your kid take a picture of a guy who looks like if Dr. Seuss wrote the Magic Mike movies. You just know this guy gets dressed up as an Irish Chippendales dancer at the same time every year, with a mission to inspire children across the globe to follow their dreams and make a lousy holiday even worse.


Your Water

Image via Wikimedia Commons

Ah yes, who doesn’t love the great St. Patty’s Day tradition of turning rivers and fountains green.  They’re not just green, by the way. They’re the ugliest color green imaginable. I didn’t even know which color green was the ugliest color green until I looked at pictures of Chicago in mid-March, but pretty much any photo of this dyed-green water confirms it. At least we get to send an awesome message to the rest of the world: this is how little water means to us. We’ll pour pretty much anything in it, so long as we don’t miss the all-day parade full of screaming, 5’10 leprechauns. Also, are leprechauns racist? There’s just too much to unpack here.


Your American-flag themed Autism awareness t-shirt

Image via Autism Awareness America

Look, I’m all for people being aware of things. Autism awareness is undoubtedly important and the organizations that seek to make the world a better place for Autistic individuals deserve a great deal of credit for their efforts.

That being said, did this t-shirt need to be made? Is this shirt really going to push the needle forward regarding Autism awareness? It’s just confusing. It confuses me. It is sincerely designed for St. Patrick’s Day, so at least we know their intentions there, but why an American flag? And why have only the word ‘AUTISM’ on it? To make it more concise and stylish? This isn’t Supreme or Guess Jeans we’re talking about here. It’s an Autism awareness t-shirt. This shirt is more likely to confuse me than to make me aware of anything — I actually feel less aware of autism than I did before seeing this shirt because now I’m really unsure of how or why it relates to an Irish-themed American flag. I am, however, extremely aware that green is now my least favorite color. And I will not be buying this shirt.


Your…Everything

Image via Adam Pieniazeck/Flickr

This photo more or less sums up everything worth loving and hating about St. Patrick’s Day: a huge, shirtless, completely green man surrounded on all sides by a drunk, makeshift parade. What I love most about this photo isn’t that they’re clearly just walking through a neighborhood, but that nobody in this picture is even close to being as undressed as The Incredible Bulk is. There’s a guy in shorts, sure, but even that guy’s wearing a sweatshirt. It’s all about equilibrium, baby! Pretty much everyone else in this photo is wearing at least a shirt, if not a sweatshirt or a jacket. This is clearly not a great day to walk through the streets shirtless, but do you think that’s after stopped this guy before? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is gonna stop this festive fellow from learning to embrace his naked body in public. And that, my friends, is what St. Patrick’s Day is all about.


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