Glamour.com recently published an article titled “5 Signs a Guy Only Wants Sex (According to Real Guys),” and being real guys, we decided to go through it (and try really hard to disprove every bullet so we’re not completely c**kblocked for the rest of our single lives). We got this.
1. He dishes personal information in microscopic-size bites. “If I’m just planning on sleeping with a woman, why does she need to know my parents’ names or my all-time favorite comic book?” says one guy. “A sex-only relationship means keeping details to a minimum so we can just get right to the action.”
Let’s assume this isn’t a long-term thing, and this “boning-only” relationship just started. If you divulge to a girl your parents’ names and spill all the dweeby, personal details about your life on the first date/drunken run-in, there is something seriously wrong with you. No chick wants to hear about how much you love your mom (creepy) and how your childhood dream was to be shot into space by a mega trampoline. Irrelevant!
2. He always tries to initiate sex—even when the setting doesn’t inspire it. “I’m not proud of it, but I’ve tried to get it on with a woman I barely knew at a crowded party,” says another. “When I’m only interested in a woman sexually, I’m not going to take the time to consider if this is the appropriate place to have sex, whether it’ll be good or comfortable for her here, so on. When I want more, I do want to take the time to set the right mood.”
Please, this is just flattery! Who doesn’t like to bang in public places?! Dirty bathrooms, check! Your friend’s coat closet, yes please! In a dark alleyway next to the bar you just met at, chicks love that! A relationship without attraction isn’t a relationship at all, lets keep that in mind.
3. Sleepovers? Those are for you and your girlfriends. “I don’t want to deal with the awkward should-we-grab-breakfast scenario if I only want sex,” another guy says. “So I will do everything I can—short of saying, ‘get out of my apartment, please’—to get a woman to leave after we’re done. If I want to have sex with her again, I’ll come up with what I think is a good excuse. Otherwise, it’s just, ‘I’m exhausted and really need a good night’s sleep for work tomorrow.'”
Alright let’s be real – sometimes we don’t want to come right out and say, “sorry baby, I spent all of my money at the bar last night, but that dumpster behind that bodega down the street always has great bread.” It hasn’t fared well in the past, and we’re not looking to test it again. Plus a good night’s sleep is a legit reason for leaving post-performance – we’re both going to need our energy on our next date.
4. “You are so hot!” is the only compliment you’ll ever hear. “A sex-only relationship means I’m not taking the time to get to know you,” one guy says. “So while I think you’re sexy, I likely don’t have much else to tell you—and I’m probably not going to take the time to learn about or remember anything you do that I like outside the bedroom.”
Again, attraction! I wouldn’t hate being told that every damn day, so why would she? What else is there to say anyway? “Oooooh your mind is so beautiful! Your apartment is so clean! I really admire how you have yet to poison me in my sleep!” Treat others the way you want to be treated – did no one ever teach you that?!
5. You’ve seen each other more than once, but never had a real second date. “Dating is for people who are headed somewhere other than the bedroom,” says another. “After the first date, I usually know whether a woman is someone I see that way or only want to have sex with. If it’s the latter, you’ll get a call or text asking to hang out at my place, but I likely won’t take you out again.”
What does “date” even mean these days? We’re satisfied with some day drinking and passing out after eating an entire pizza – does that not count in this situation? Cause that’s how a lot of our second dates go.
