The Lazarus Effect is finally out, and we’d be lying if we said we weren’t excited to sit through an hour and a half of resurrected chaos (and of Olivia Wilde scenes). In case you missed the trailer, watch it now:
Awesome, right? Right. But after thinking about it, we can’t imagine why anyone would ever think it was a good idea to bring someone back from the dead. Has no one ever seen a movie before?! In case you’re on the fence, here’s seven reasons that’ll convince you otherwise:
Their Flesh Will Continually Fall Off (And That’s Nasty)
This seems obvious. Sure, hanging around a dude whose skin is flaking off in chunks totally makes you look better (and kinda like you’re a badass for being able to deal with someone so vile), but chicks typically aren’t into being approached by such a duo. It’s disturbing to witness, but the most offense and off-putting element has to be the smell…
That Rotting Skin Also Produces a Stench no Shower Can Get Rid Of
You think it’s bad when you skip out on deodorant for a day? Try spending even five minutes around someone with decaying skin – it’s not pleasant. (Full disclosure: we believe we can accurately attest to this statement since we live in New York City and have ridden countless subways with less than friendly homeless people who gave off a similar smell)
They’re Bound to be Ungrateful and Thus Try to Kill You
Have you ever sat through a zombie movie with a positive ending? No. The scene typically goes as follows: you try to do the right thing and bring your friend back to life because hey, you miss the sucker, they weren’t rightfully killed, and you owe them. So you do it, but instead of getting the expected gratitude, you get a mindless, breathing corpse that wants to eat your brain. Not exactly how to thank the person who gave you life (we finally get it, mom).
They’re Usually Totally Cool With Being Dead, But Now You Pissed Them Off
So now you’ve dug the hole (literally – how else would they get out of their grave?) and now you have to lie in it. If movies have taught you anything, it’s that the resurrected always get pissed when they realize they’ve returned to solid, Earth ground. They were totally cool with eternal damnation a** whipe, and now aren’t cool with you. Look what you’ve done!
Safe Places No Longer Exist
Considering their constant emotional state of anger and ravenousness, you’ll be spending your days seeking out clever hideouts that won’t actually do anything for you, nor give you peace of mind. Face it – you’re fu**ed, and you only have on option…
Oftentimes You’ll Have to Kill Them…Which is Equally as Awkward as Bringing Them Back to Life
After all that fuss of trying to bring them back to life, you have no choice but to kill them – or else they’re going to kill you first. What a fu**ing bummer.
Sequels Are Never as Good as the Original
Despite everything – the vomit-worthy appearance, the fact that they want to feast on your brain, the likelihood of having to run for your life for the rest of their bodily existence – the worst part o about bringing someone back from the dead is that the fact that the new version will never compete with the original. Cue the cheesy friend music.
