Hey, it’s an Oscars 2015 live blog! Boy, we sure are lucky that we get to detail all the winners and make some clever commentary, because that’s a lot more fun than being at an Academy Awards party and getting drunk and being able to take our eyes off the television screen for one single second. Yeah. That’s no fun, right? [photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty]
Well, at least we’re not alone here while checking out the Oscars. It’s kind of a party, except everyone’s under pressure to be really witty without five minutes going past. Actually, that reminds us of our first clever comment for the evening–as soon as this thing starts…
8:34: Damn, we’re already full of hatred. This big production number lacks any sense of hipness. Jack Black is sounding like the NY Times critic in Birdman. Not self-aware enough. It’s like we can already smell the Bruce Vilanch. If you don’t know who Bruce Vilanch is, then you’re lucky, but he’s probably still why you hate the Oscars.
8:36: Remember when Neil Patrick Harris jumped through a hop for the Tonys? That was a lot more fun, and had a bigger sense of spectacle. We all have a bad feeling about this.
8:39: Here’s that Tonys opening….
8:42: Hey, a Robin Williams reference and a very cool Supporting Actor Oscar to J.K. Simmons for Whiplash. Good to see the Supporting Actor category brought back early. Also good to see a guy like Simmons come through with a big win. We remember back when he was just a regular-guy actor hanging out at NY bars and talking movies.
8:45: We’re not calling our parents. Sorry, J.K. We’re at work, damnit. And that Liam Neeson intro sucked. NPH should’ve said that the next presenter had a specific set of skills, blah blah blah, and then brought out…um, Selena Gomez. Also, Liam didn’t need to bring up how everyone’s complaining about comic-book movies, either. That was Jack Black’s job, so we could all move past that.
8:50: Screw Liam Neeson. We’re watching this instead of listening to Maroon 5…
8:55: Hey, check out this lady who was standing around outside the Oscars. Who the hell got her so excited?
8:56: General consensus here is that we’re all big Ellen DeGeneres fans now.
8:59: Remember when the gift bags were ditched because stars like Matt Damon and Edward Norton decided that kind of excess was wrong? That didn’t last too long. Hey, they gave out an Oscar. Best Costume Design for Grand Budapest Hotel. No argument there.
9:00: Hey, another Oscar for Grand Budapest Hotel. That thing looked amazing, so no argument for Hair and Makeup Design–but it would’ve been nice to see Guardians of the Galaxy win something, because we’re dumb lowbrow types, h’yuk.
9:09: Hey, Eddie Murphy’s looking pretty suave tonight–and short, with Paige Butcher….
9:09: We were hoping that NPH wasn’t kidding with that Nicole Kidman intro. Anyway, that’s kind of a surprise with Ida for Best Foreign Language Film. We thought Leviathan was pretty much a sure thing. Yeah, we saw it. Congrats to that Pawel Pawlikowski guy for beating the orchestra trying to play him out, too.
9:15: Let’s look back at that moment when there was an overhead shot of Jennifer Lopez presenting during the Oscars…
9:17: We’re okay with “Everything is Awesome” winning the Oscar, but we bet that other people who are bored as we are right now have just began some deep analysis on how the song represents the fascism of crappy awards shows. Anyway, that looked cool.
9:24: Octavia Spencer is having a better time watching that damn box.
9:29: Hey, they gave out more Oscars. The Phone Call for Best Live Action Short Film, and then Crisis Hot Line for Documentary Short Subject. Didn’t the guys who just won for The Phone Call thank crisis hot line workers? What does it all mean?
9:36: Another lame moment from NPH in the audience. British accents are funny. Yeesh. Hey, Glen Campbell tribute coming up! Better than what the Grammys had. If you don’t like Glen Campbell, then you can look back at the only tune that we’re okay with beating Glen for Best Song tonight…
9:4o: Hey, Miles Teller got to do the same gag at the Oscars that he did at the Independent Spirits Awards where he’s playing drums to a Birdman parody! Great minds
think hack alike…
9:49: Did they hire two Bruce Vilanchs this year?
9:54: It’s fun to see someone as unlikely as Patricia Arquette scoring a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Boyhood, but we’re thinking Keira Knightley should’ve won because that Imitation Game clip made us not want to ever have her as a girlfriend.
10:00: Wait–Octavia Spencer is watching a box full of Oscars predictions? We thought it was the top-secret box that contained the names of all the winners. Now that gag makes even less sense.