Although famously set “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,” the unmistakably earthbound phenomenon of Christmas came fast and early to the Star Wars universe—at least in terms of pumping out highly marketable commercial material for the holidays.
Most often, this set-up has led to endless Star Wars delights delivered under countless Christmas trees. Occasionally, though, the same Lucasfilm impulse that once barfed forth Jar Jar Binks has also laid its share of cosmically stinky Yule stools.
Here are five Star Wars Christmas items that never should have been pulled out of that trash compactor on the Death Star…
The Star Wars Holiday Special
No matter how many times you watch it, 1978’s CBS primetime debacle defies belief. Chewbacca’s family simply cannot be. The guest star lineup of Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Corman, and Jefferson Starship is too confounding for existence to allow. Carrie Fisher singing the “Life Day” lyrics to the Star Wars theme is beyond what is possible. The Boba Fett cartoon is still pretty cool, but the rest of it… go ahead. Watch again. You still won’t believe this could have ever happened.
Christmas in the Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album
Record producer Meco Monardo–who scored a huge pop hit with a disco version of the Star Wars theme–followed up with this 1980 holiday cash-in LP. Anthony Daniels narrates as C-3PO and there’s no lack of droid bleeps and Chewbacca howls. The worst part? The songs really, powerfully stick in your head. So listen with caution lest you spend the entire holiday humming numbers such as “What Do You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?” Extra embarrassing trivia: young Jon Bon Jovi sings lead on “R2-D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”
If there is one quality not easily associated with Jedi master Yoda, it’s the state of being “merry.” Regardless, Lucasfilm has licensed the little green font of wisdom dressed up as Santa Claus in a variety of formats, including an inflatable lawn decoration and something called a “peekbuster.” Lame they are.
Star Wars Lego Advent Calendars
By its very nature, an Advent Calendar is specifically religious, as it’s a device for the faithful to count down to the birthday of their savior. The Star Wars Lego Advent Calendar is a twenty-five goofy little toys in numerically marked boxes. May the Force help us all.
Darth Vader Nutcracker
As Dark Lord of the Sith, master villain Darth Vader embodies all the evil in the universe. As this cute Christmas novelty gift, Darth Vader will chomp open all your nutty holiday treats. Come to the dark side–with nuts in your mouth.