We’re happy to see that the Alamo Drafthouse in Texas is bringing in Team America to replace The Interview–now that the James Franco/Seth Rogen has been officially yanked by Sony over the recent cyberwar on the studio. At least one theater isn’t caving in to pressure from North Korea.
But we’re also thinking that this is a good opportunity for some other studios to get out some unreleased movies. We can think of a few productions that have been locked away. Suddenly, the local multiplexes have some big openings in their schedules. Now somebody can go in the vaults and dig up the great lost films that we’ve been waiting to see for a long time. We’re talking about some serious dramas, some goofball comedies, and one recent all-star production that might technically beat the bad rep of having been locked away. Take a look at these forgotten flicks and get your own petition going…
Snappers (circa 2010)
First of all, this movie has a lesbian scene between British pop star Joss Stone and the lovely Sarah Beck Mather–and you’ll have to piece together the rest of what’s going on with Snappers, because that trailer above might be all that’s left of the film. Even the official iMDB listing seems to have disappeared over the past few months. All we’ve heard from Joss Stone is that the filmmakers “had some kind of crazy misunderstanding.” Yeah, they misunderstood how badly we want to see Joss Stone in this movie.
Spring Break ’83 (circa 2009)
Somebody spent $18 million on this on this spoof of ’80s comedies about kids on Spring Break–and then nothing’s happened since production wrapped up in 2009. All we know is that it was a troubled production, since filming actually began in 2007. The good news is that Sophia Monk went on to more exposure. The bad news is that we’re not seeing Sophia Monk in this movie. We mostly want to understand why somebody’s wearing a Jerky Boys t-shirt in 1983.
Stretch (circa 2013)
An all-star cast and name director hasn’t been able to keep this movie from sitting on the shelf. Patrick Wilson stars as a desperate limo driver having a wild night, and director Joe Carnahan brought in a cast of crazies featuring Chris Pine, Ed Helms, and David Hasselhoff. We also wouldn’t mind seeing more of Brooklyn Decker, Jessica Alba, and hot young starlets Mindy Robinson and Anne McDaniels. For now, though, this movie is winding up a year of rumored releases with nothing ever happening.
Land of Canaan (circa 2009)
We’ve heard good things about this thriller about murders in a hotel, but the movie itself isn’t happening. We’ve been careful to seek it out under another title, too. Land of Canaan sure won’t sell tickets. Also, the femme cast is heading into retro territory, although lots of guys are still big fans of Tara Reid–although Neve Campbell and Christina Applegate are just rumored to be in the film. We’d love to confirm that, though.
Hippie Hippie Shake (circa 2010)
The official story seems to be that Universal Pictures need a tax write-off after the Matt Damon thriller Green Zone bombed in 2010, and this look back at the Swinging ’60s in London was the sacrifice. There have also been some rumors of lawsuits filed by real-life Londoners portrayed in the film, and the director walking off the set after arguing with producers. We just know that we’d really like to see Sienna Miller as a flower girl.
Gods Behaving Badly (circa 2011)
Christopher Walken and Sharon Stone are Greek gods screwing around with mortals seeking love in modern New York City. That’s not a bad idea for a Woody Allen movie, but this one is from an unknown director and stars Alicia Silverstone–who’s still hot, but doesn’t even seem to have the clout to get this one released to the local Redbox outlet.
7500 (circa 2013)
We thought that this horror film about a ghostly flight from Los Angeles to Tokyo might finally get a Halloween release–but that didn’t happen, and we’re hearing the movie is already on DVD in some foreign markets. That trailer looks perfectly fine, too. You might also notice the presence of Jamie Chung as a stewardess, and it’d be nice to see television regular Christian Serratos on the big screen.
The Last Film Festival (circa 2009)
Life imitated art with The Last Film Festival, which is about a producer (Dennis Hopper, who passed away in 2010) trying to shop around his latest disaster of a movie at a chintzy film festival. We don’t know how many pitches failed to get this movie off the shelf–but we doubt a cast with Chris Kattan, Jacqueline Bisset, and Leelee Sobeiski was a huge selling point. It would be nice to see Katrina Bowden, though.
Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll (circa 2005)
There was a time when Marilyn Manson had the clout to launch a film, and there’s been a lot of footage shot around his dream project of playing Lewis Carroll in some kind of look at the life of the author of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it’s time to put all that footage together into a proper movie–mostly because Marilyn brought in his old girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood, and we bet he wasn’t shy about shooting her footage.