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The Biggest Cocaine Bust Recorded At Port Of Baltimore

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It’s the Summer Of Snow! Just a single week after Philadephia saw one of the biggest cocaine busts in United States History, Baltimore has decided to join in on the fun. Officials found 333 pounds worth of coke making its way along the eastern seaboard earlier this week. To put that into perspective, if you put 49ers offensive lineman Joe Staley on a teeter-totter with the cocaine on the other end, Staley would be the one flung into the air. It would take the power of Kevin Durant AND Klay Thompson to even bench this amount of cocaine.

The street value is estimated at about $10 million. U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agents found the cocaine inside a shipping container with beach chairs.

Nothing quite says incognito like some beach chairs sailing into the Port of Baltimore. I can so clearly see the enraged face of a drug lord hiding out in his estate somewhere in South America, receiving news of his $10 Million deal being seized despite the best efforts of his team covering it up with some chairs.

To be completely honest, this could have been an incredibly savage long con played by one of his henchmen. Beach Chairs directly translates to “Sillas de Playa” in Spanish. Go ahead and imagine a furious drug lord screaming that at the top of his lungs and tell me that isn’t the funniest thing you’ve seen today.

“It was a standard shipping container. Standard 40-foot shipping container that you would see at any seaport of entry” said Patricia Scull, assistant port director of tactical operations.

“The goods were packaged properly in containers nice and neat on palettes, just like any container would be, but at the back of the container when you just open the doors, four large duffel bags full of bricks of cocaine,” Scull said.

Our enraged drug lord has to be absolutely fuming at this point, not only did his confidants try to hide his product with measly Sillas de Playa, but they thought a simple door would protect the $10 Million worth of it. This whole operation seems flawed. If I’ve learned anything from my suffering life as a Mets fan, it’s that incompetence starts from the top down in an organization. So whoever was the mastermind behind this plan, you are THE WORST.

For the sake of playing with hypotheticals, let’s say the cops somehow managed to miss this shipping container and let it make its way to land. What in the world was the next step in this process? Just picture the beach chairs being dropped off in the small beach town of Bethany Beach just a short ride up the coast. Imagine the beach equipment rental guy at “Steens” unloading his new shipment of chairs then finding 333 POUNDS OF COKE! He would most likely call the BBPD, who are made up of mostly college interns serving as glorified security guards. Their main job is to protect Bethany from the treacherous hooligan middle schoolers using laser pointers and megaphones to disrupt the peace. Finding even a gram of cocaine would set that poor town into a frenzy.

So far, no arrests have been made. Homeland Security Investigations special agents continue to investigate.

Something tells me these guys will find a way to get themselves caught in the coming weeks. Maybe they’ll try to hide in a house behind a door. That works, right?


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