Christmas Throwback: The Way Kevin Durant Treated Rihanna Makes You Wonder If He’s A Virgin

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Before we get started, let us be the seventh or eighth people to wish you a Merry Christmas. Hopefully, by now, you’re on your fourth or fifth ale of the day which will make this article all the more enjoyable.

Because it’s Christmas, content in the world is a little thin today, so we decided to count down some of our favorite articles of the past year. With the Warriors and Cavaliers matching up for the first time this season, we figured it’d be the perfect time to bring your our article wondering if Kevin Durant’s bizarre treatment of Rihanna proves he’s actually a virgin.

Enjoy.

June 2, 2017:

Just when I thought I’d hit peak Kevin Durant-hate, he goes and pulls a stunt like this.

No, I’m not talking about taking the easy way out and leaving the Thunder for the 73-win Warriors.

And no, I’m not talking about how he constantly bitches about the media.

I’m also not even talking about his sheer dominant performance in Game 1.

I’m talking about KD staring down Rihanna, one of the world’s foremost sex symbols, like she was some sort of drunken, middle-aged, Cavaliers fan-schlub who tanked 10k into courtside seats.

Anyone who’s ever gotten laid in their entire life knows that if a girl’s trying to hook up with you, she’ll usually throw a little shade your way. Especially the 10’s of the world like Rihanna. Rihanna is the hunter in this situation, and in my professional opinion, KD was her prey. Sure, she may have been repping LeBron as hard as anyone in The Oracle, but LeBron, as he’s said about 500 times, is a husband and a father. As much as Rihanna may want The King’s crown, an affair between those two, in today’s times, would be all but impossible to pull off.

That would be like Donald Trump trying to go behind closed doors with Kylie Jenner — literally, every single person on Earth would probably hear about it at one point or another. You would have people in Bangladesh telling their buddies, ‘Yo you hear LeBron piped Rihanna?’. Both of them go by one name, and when your one of those one-name people (Prince, Beyonce, Elvis, Harambe, etc.) there are no more secrets.

So, if you’re Rihanna, and you can’t hook up with for LeBron, what do you do? Go for literally the next best thing: Kevin Durant.

And it was a classic chick move too. She talks shit at the game, so when you see her at the club later that night, you already have an opening line. Flirting is essentially playful shit talking, and Rihanna was trying to lay the groundwork. Just look at that … look!

And how does Durant react? Like an 8th grader who’s never picked up a signal in his life. Back in my day, when I was about 13, 14 or whatever, when we’d play manhunt, a girl and a guy would pair off and they’d haphazardly make out in the bushes.

KD would be the kid to be playing manhunt, get paired off with the hottest girl in the grade behind the most secluded bushes in the neighborhood, and when that girl makes a move, he’d say, ‘SHHHHHHH, they’ll find us!’.

That’s who Kevin Durant is.

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