The average person can experience some pretty insane sh*t from time-to-time, and I’m happy there’s journalists out there with enough decency to report it. The phrase, “it’s a crazy world out there, kid,” is beyond an understatement. Seriously, you should check this out…
I’ve once again compiled the top 5 craziest f**king stories on the web. This week’s edition features cops, a toilet bowl critter, an alligator, an aging skydiver, and a chunky monkey.
Old Woman from Florida finds an iguana in the toilet, so naturally, she dials 911
Imagine: you pick up the toilet seat and find an iguana sitting in the semi-shallow water. What would you do? Hopefully, you don’t like taking sh*ts on lizards. Well, I imagine you probably won’t call the police either.
One woman from South Florida decided to dial 911 when she found an iguana sitting in her toilet. She closed that toilet lid and went right on the phone to speak with the police. Geez.
Lt. Scott Mullin of Miami-Dade Fire Rescue’s Venom One unit arrived on the scene to apprehend the reptilian menace plaguing one South Floridan bathroom toilet. It was the first time in his career that anyone called about an iguana in a toilet.
Mulin says that when the woman called on Tuesday night, he asked to make sure that the creature was an iguana and not a serpentine predator (snake).
The woman, her daughter and grandchildren waited for Mulin to arrive. He believes that the iguana probably traveled through the sewage pipes , which he suggest is the reason how the critter wound up in the toilet.
Mulin put on gloves and picked up the gentle lizard. He then placed the little guy in a box.
Lt. Mulan drove off to a wildlife rescue center, with the star of the story safety tucked away in a safe box.
Guy drives drunk in the parking lot of the New York State Police Academy
They can’t give out enough “genius of the year” awards. This NY guy takes the cake as ultimate smarty pants of the northeast. He was arrested for aggravated driving while intoxicated in the parking lot of a f**king police academy of all places.
I’m sure if we were watching one of the Police Academy movies, this type of behavior might be tolerated. But in the state of New York, the law tends to not f**k around when it comes to drunk driving (and for good reason too).
According to the police, an off-duty cop observed a man acting unusual in the parking lot of the academy. The officer reports that the man exited his vehicle and then proceeded to lie down in the grass. The man was approached by state troopers, who gave him a field sobriety test. The officers decided to take this man to the trooper station at the Empire State Plaza in downtown Albany. He received a breath test, which resulted in a blood-alcohol content of 0.28 percent. His blood-alcohol content was twice the legal limit for driving in New York (0.28 percent).
The guy is 49-years-old and probably is looking to stay away from police parking lot for the foreseeable future. He received a ticket for aggravated driving while intoxicated. Tough break, old chap!
Car vs. Alligator: SUV flips over multiple times after hitting 9-foot-long beast
Never underestimate the power of a 9-foot-long alligator. They do have a killer bite. But if you happen to run over one on I-75 in Sarasota, Florida, you car just may flip over more times than a seasoned politician on any given Tuesday.
According to The Florida Highway Patrol: 34-year-old lawyer Jennifer Rosinski of Cooper City lost control of her SUV after hitting an alligator, which resulted in her vehicle flipping over numerous times. Miraculously, Rosinski emerged from the wreck not seriously injuried. However, she did have bruises as well as a cut under her right eye.
But how is that alligator doing? The scaly creature didn’t make it. Hearts our to our reptile friend.
Rosinski was in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?” she asks.
This 34-year-old lawyer originally thought a fox ran out in front of her car. “I’ve never been in a significant accident before, and the first one I’m in is car vs. alligator!”
Cool Old Dude: WWII Veteran breaks world skydiving record at 101-years-old
Bryson William Verdun Hayes is the oldest person in the world to skydive. That’s pretty bad-ass. Imagine what you’d be doing if you’re ever lucky enough to make it to 101-years-old. I’m guessing not jumping out of airplanes.
On Sunday, May 14th, 2017, Byrson joined his extended family in a tandem sky-diving venture. At an airfield in Honiton, southwest England, Mr. Hayes made history. At the age of 101 years, 38 days, this old chap has written his name into the Guinness Book of World Records for oldest person in the world to skydive. Smashing!
Back when Hayes was 90-years-old, he developed an itch to sky dive. His late-wife wouldn’t let him. Ten years later, Bryson finally made that jump. He was 100-years-old. A year later, he decided to make that leap again!
During World War 2, Hayes served in the British army. He received a France’s Legion of Honor for his accomplishments in combat.
“Uncle Fat” Chunky Monkey is put on diet after eating way too much junk food
In Thailand, there is an extremely chubby macaque by the name of Uncle Fat. He became morbidly obese after consuming copious amounts of soda and junk food left over by tourists. Recently, this overweight monkey has been rescued from a life of eating tourist scraps.
Uncle Fat has been placed on a strict diet, consisting of lean protein, fruits and vegetables. He currently weighs three times the average weight of a macaque. The average macaque weighs 9 kilograms (20 pounds), while Uncle Fat tips the scales at about 26 kilograms (60 pounds).
“It was not easy to catch him,” said Kacha Phukem, the wildlife official who coordinated the capture and rescue mission on Thursday, April 27, 2017. “He was the leader of his pack, and when I tried to go in, I had to fight off a flock of them with sticks.”
Uncle Fat “was the leader of the pack.” He had a whole group of subordinate monkeys doing his bidding. Uncle Fat was and still is a total boss.
“He had minions and other monkeys bringing food for him but he would also re-distribute it to younger monkeys,” said Supakarn Kaewchot, a veterinarian who supervises Uncle Fat’s food-intake. “He is now in a critical condition where there is a high-risk of heart disease and diabetes.”
I’m starting to really dig this monkey. I wish I could scoop this creature up and hang out with him for a couple days (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back style). I promise I won’t give him any of the munchies, unless their organic and healthy like fruits and vegetables.
“I understand that people feel sorry for the monkeys and want to feed them when they see them,” Supakarn said. “But please don’t feed them food that people like to eat like snacks and soda. It is very bad for their health and the problem is entirely man-made.”
Even though I assume many of us have grown to love this monkey, we can’t encourage his past ripe with destructive eating habits. People have their vices and so do monkeys.
Uncle Fat is getting up their in age. He’s estimated to have been born between 10 and 15 years ago. Uncle’s diet consists of 400 grams worth of lean protein, fruits and vegetables twice a day. Within a few months, he may be released into the world if his condition improves.
Flashback to last week’s Weird News
Last week, we found out all about:
- The Legend of the Half-Naked Man and his Thirst for Beer
- Teen who Arrives at her Prom in a Coffin
- Mother Got Son Arrested for Stealing Stew, Two Years Later: Charges Dropped
- The Adorable Story of a 17-foot Python who found his way Home
- Suicidal Deer Licks the Barrel Of Hunter’s Gun
- Bonus: Tennessee Church is undercover Swinger’s Joint