Super Bowl 50 is about to happen, and we’re very excited — although we wish the NFL had used Roman numerals this year, because we’re pretty sure that we can actually spell “50” in Roman numerals. [photo: Maddie Meyer/Getty]
Anyway, this is where we’re back for another year to provide some very clever commentary and deep insight into how the football-type people are going to run up and down the field while people cheer the football things that happen. We’re running a timeline, so you’ll have to scroll down to see whatever important things you missed because you were following the game.
Also, how about that Levi’s Stadium? We’re expecting a David Bowie tribute from Coldplay, but maybe The Ramones will get a nod, too…
9:27: Has there ever been a Super Bowl where the fans were more eager to see both of the starting quarterbacks replaced?
9:17: Interception by Broncos against Panthers. That’s why it didn’t feel like a turning point.
9:13: Broncos leading 16-7 after McManus makes a field goal, and… Newton to Brown! Shouldn’t that feel more like a turning point?
9:05: This still looks to be Peyton’s highlight for the night — as seen during the MVP salutes…
8:58: “Boink” on the attempted field goal by the Panthers’ Graham Gano.
8:57: Jonathan Stewart back in the game for the Panthers as they trail (still) 13-7 — but the footing at Levi’s Stadium has to be even worse after that halftime show, right?
8:50: The annual Church of Scientology commercial has aired, and we got the Ramones that we were expecting. Can we get back to the game? We remember when it seemed to be moving fast.
8:35: This the most bubblegum halftime show ever. Now we have newfound respect for Lady Gaga’s earlier take on the National Anthem…
8:23: We’re seeing a lot of cute babies this year during the commercials. Probably to make up for that depressing insurance commercial last year. Remember that one? Yeah, sorry to bring it up.
8:19: 13-7, Broncos leading at halftime. We’re feeling better about a Panthers comeback now, too.
8:15: And we’re proven wrong immediately with a great catch — although Cam really sent that flying straight.
8:09: A lot of people expecting Panthers to come back strong after halftime. We have our doubts about Jonathan Stewart staying back in, though, and Newton’s other receivers sure don’t seem to be playing in a Super Bowl.
8:06: We’re still thinking about how much damage The Hulk caused over a lousy can of Coke.
8:02: Damn, Peyton Manning must have known he was throwing an interception the moment that left his hands. Good to see Carolina scrambling again, though.
7:59: Here’s that Hulk/Ant-Man Coke commercial, in case you’re wondering if that’s Paul Rudd’s voice. Would be a fun subplot for Captain America: Civil War…
7:51: Broncos lead, 13-7. Manning can’t be too happy with all this, either. How much credit is he supposed to get for a possible win after this first-half comedy of errors?
7:47: 61-yard-run by the Broncos as the Panthers debate over whether it’s a fair catch. This is vexing. Not even bragging rights for Jordan Norwood.
7:43: Now everybody hates that little girl for posing with the refs.
7:40: We’re pretty sure that the American public is thinking that the Panthers deserve a few more challenges this Super Bowl. These refs are irritating.
7:37: Levi’s Stadium is sure living up to its reputation for lousy footing.
7:30: Damn, Talib’s out of control, and just when we were getting our Panthers back — but they soldier on past that crappy facemask pull and it’s 10-7, Broncos still in the lead.
7:23: Stewart back in the game! First thing we’ve gotten right all evening — aaand the first quarter’s done.
7:19: Hey, here’s that 10 Cloverfield Lane spot…
7:16: Jonathan Stewart looks ready to come back into the game. He must feel better about the Panthers’ chances than we do right now.
7:12: Jonathan Stewart on the sidelines without a helmet — Panthers need him back. Hey, Aqib Talib has his helmet off, too!
7:10: Broncos leading, 10-0. Everyone hates the refs.
7:06: And the pass to Cotchery ruled incomplete, and Broncos score touchdown with them now leading 9-0. This game is moving fast. No wonder they keep telling us that the Halftime Show is almost here.
7:03: Jerricho Cotchery caught that, but we’d rather see the ball not hit the ground again than this Mountain Dew spot.
7:01: Manning’s already had a better Super Bowl than we ever expected from this past season. Panthers must already be nervous, and they don’t even have money on the game.
6:58: Felt lazy for a moment there, but CBS Sports is still going on about Lady Gaga.
6:48: Marilyn Monroe leading over Scott Baio in total estate worth as measured by Super Bowl commercials.
6:46: Broncos lead, 3-0 — as we were typing our official prediction. That might be a bad sign.
6:45: COED’s official prediction: Panthers win, 26-20. Unless that turns out to be dramatically wrong, in which case we’ll change it later. Internet journalism!
6:35: Hey, Jerry Rice’s eyes are glowing demonically, too! Anyway, Panthers win the toss. Damn, thought the Broncos were a sure thing on that.
6:32: New 10 Cloverfield Lane spot. Nuclear destruction confirmed, we guess.
6:30: Damn soulful there, Lady Gaga. Too bad her eyes are glowing red with demonic possession. Maybe that means she went to the crossroads.
6:27: Does anyone know if a panther could eat a bronco in real life? Or would the bronco kill the panther? Just trying to feel better about the money we’ve put down here.
6:25: Hey, here’s that Captain America: Civil War spot that just aired. We weren’t expecting The Vision to choose a side. Good thing we didn’t put money on that…